new year's eve
ga kemana mana.. emang dr dulu juga klo 'nye' ga jalan, abis serem. di holiwud suka pada bawa 'gun' trus di shoot keatas gituh! ugh, klo lagi siyal pan gawat.. mending di rumah lah. 2 taun berturut yg lalu, kalo 'nye', selalu diundang ama neenee, tetangga apartment yang orang pilipin. tapi berhubung gue uda move out, i wonder if he's still invited.. ah, who cares.
ntar klo uda agak maleman, mo ke roof/balcony ah, spot baru yg baru gue temuin kemaren di gedung gue. klo 'diri disitu bisa keliatan holiwud! kan biasanya klo 'nye' gini pada ngidupin kembang api.. jadi sapa tau gue bisa liat ntar! mo bawa kamera ah biar bisa dipasang disini..
dengan catatan: klo gue ga ketiduran sebelon jam 12 yee..
I am lost again at 5:28 PM |
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he called last night. yea, surprising..
he called to say he's safely made it back here in l.a.
it was mother who told him that i really worried about his flight. he also asked about him not being able to connect to the internet. i smiled at the thought of him needing my help. it does feel good :). it was also surprising that when i talked to him, i wasn't as sad or as upset. i was able to talk to him sweetly as if nothing happened.
i'm so proud of myself!
I am lost again at 5:11 PM |
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i hope he's safely back here.. i've been overly concerned. maybe because it's been raining so hard and the sky was so dark its scary..
I am lost again at 6:47 PM |
tsunami disaster
my heart goes to the tsunami victims in srilanka, india and especially aceh.. and the family also. you think GOD is trying to remind us something here?
My friend Eka whose families are all in Aceh, living close by the ocean, has been very upset. She didnt know what to do to get in contact with her family. No phone line, no electricity, nothing. I feel sorry for her. I hope for the best and that is for her family is doing fine.
I am lost again at 7:50 AM |
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whoaa.. 3 hari liburan, 3 hari pula gue gawe!
gladly this monday i took my last personal day so i can have atleast one day off after working for 7 straight days! ga cape banget sih wong gawe-nya di rumah, and a freakin easy job! sampe bisa disambi makan, nonton vcd, nyapu apartment, cuci piring, laundry etc hahaha.. i know its crazy but i really did all of those in between!
rencana pagi ini gue mo ke gym, abis tu beli sawi di korean market, trus ke rumah kartini. doi hari ini masak bakso en tugas gue cuman beli sawi ama cabe merah. cuman pas ngeliat ke jendela, loh kok rintik rintik ya? duuh, tambah enak aja ntar ngebakso! hihi.. again, rain wont stop me from doing stuff.
just an update, on christmas day, i called up his family in illinois just to say merry christmas. they're my family too after all. they sounded really happy and sad at the same time, knowing that i could've been there. but i assured them that i am doing okay. they seemed appreciate my call especially because i talked to grandma. i miss them all, and i wished i could've been there.
and i also talked to him.. i did my best to sound cheerful but..
oh well, i knew its not gonna be easy..
I am lost again at 8:03 AM |
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It's Christmas and I hope he's having a wonderful time with his family..
I am lost again at 7:41 AM |
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after having lunch with uncle Frank; Rez and Pete were like lecturing me: if you want to move on, you move on! don't hold on to your past.. meeting his families would only hurt you more..
am i? am i really holding on to my past?
does he really become my past?
uncle Frank asked, would you want to be back with him?
i told him he asked the wrong person... it's not up to me.. it's him who cannot accept me for who i am. besides, i am just trying to live my life right now. i won't even try to figure out why this is happening. i'm done with questioning. i'm just gonna go with the flow. whatever happens, happens.
i don't own tomorrow.. it's GODs.
I am lost again at 7:13 PM |
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His uncle -Frank- called and asked if I could have lunch with him sometime this week. I said yes, but now .. I am thinking.. is it worth the effort? will I be okay and not crying in front of his uncle? Oh no.. now I am confused.
I don't think it's a good idea.. but oh well..
I am lost again at 1:56 PM |
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i miss him terribly it hurts..
I am lost again at 9:49 AM |
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housewarming
I had a little get together we called 'housewarming' today. I invited friends from work and 3 of my Indonesian girlfriends. It was me and Kartini's cooking. The menu was:
- Beef Meatballs (Semur Daging)
- Spicy Shrimp (Udang sambal)
- Hot Wings (Sayap ayam bumbu pedas)
- Tofu filled with vegetables (Tahu isi)
- Stir fry vegetables (Capcay)
Ga nyambung sih makanannya, tapi I think they all enjoyed it. The food was good too! Stupid me only took one picture. We're too busy eating and talking. Susy opened the wine and drank a lil bit. Nope, I didn't drink. I've had enough the other day!
They stayed for like 2-3 hours, but Kartini stayed until 6pm. Everyone left in full stomach! so they said. hehe.. We talked and talked while waiting for Mike to pick her up. I myself enjoyed their company. Its good to have friends in times like this. Thanks ya'll! I love you all!
I am lost again at 8:10 PM |
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what an experience!
I keep smiling everytime I think about what happened today. I went to Food4Less today for groceries shopping. The plan is to have a housewarming party/lunch at my place on Saturday so I have a long list on my hand. I purposely went to Food4Less cuz I knew they provides free shuttle service. Perfect for me!
Long story short, I waited outside after I was done, waiting for the shuttle. There she was, sitting next to me, a Hispanic woman. I smiled at her, said hi, and asked whether she had waited for a long time. She mumbled something but I wasn't clear of what she said, so I went "Excuse me?". She said "DeLongpre and Normandie". Hahahaha.. she thought I asked where she lived!
She then started speaking Spanish to me. I smiled and said "Sorry, I don't speak Spanish". Then she picked the plastic bag out of her cart, and said "Mary Kay!..............." (I put periods because I so didnt understand what she said except the Mary Kay part). All I knew was she's trying to sell me some Mary Kay's products. I said no thanks. But she kept talking and talking (in Spanish, mind you), started pulling out more stuff, eye shadows, lipsticks, hand cream, etc etc. I tried to be nice and kept saying No. She then started talking about something else. I was like.. man, I think she didnt even understand what 'Sorry I dont speak Spanish" meant.
I then said "NO SPANISH, SORRY"
She finally understood! Hahaha.. phew!
Anyways, the shuttle finally came, and good GOD, all of a sudden, 5 other customers came to get the shuttle also. All of 'em were Hispanic. All of 'em spoke Spanish to each other. Even in the car. And the driver was Hispanic too. So then he spoke Spanish to everyone explaining whose house he would drop off first, second to the last person. I was just guessing though, cuz I saw him pointing at the people. Hehehe.. I was like, aite dude, you need to tell me whats going on here. I waited for him to say something to me, but he didnt! *rolling my eyes*
Good thing I knew my way around, so after the second person got dropped off, and its located near my apartment, so I asked him whether the next stop would be Kingsley Drive, and he said "yes ma'am"
Phew.. what a day!
I am lost again at 7:04 PM |
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you know what I hate the most lately?
going to bed at night!
why?
cuz thats when I feel the most lonely.
cuz thats when I miss him the most.
when I start remembering things. Too painful.
Then I become so weak, start crying, sobbing, til I fall asleep.
I want to have someone to talk to before I go to bed like we used to do. I have gazillion stories I want to share with him. I want to listen to his stories too. How long has it been since the last time I heard his voice? Is he doing fine? What movie is he working on now? Does he eat well? Does he miss me? Does he still love me as much as I love him? Will he forget me?
Am I pathetic? do I sound like one? Is it wrong if I miss him? Is it stupid?
I am lost again at 1:46 PM |
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i went to bed feeling miserable last night, sobbing like a stupid pathetic person. and this morning i woke up feeling like crap. God, i miss him so much. i was so ready to grab the phone and call him. but i refused to do it. i don't want to feel any more miserable.
SUCKS!!!!!
I am lost again at 11:07 AM |
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was i drunk?
Last night our company had a holiday party at Bungalow Club in Melrose. I brought Kartini and Isti along since they love to party :). It was a blast! I had so much fun. They had open bar, so you know people would just enjoy it and drink a lot! Including me.. how shameful. I am not proud of myself telling this. I did have fun, but me drinking? oh man, I never drank that much before. Once I had it while I was in Jakarta but that was it. And last night, dunno whats got into me, I just kept coming back and forth to the bar to get the drinks. Some part of me was like trying so hard to have fun. Sucky part was when people keep asking me where my hubby was, why I brought friends instead. I just vaguely said, oh I left him at home, period. Good thing I have friends like Pete, Joel and Jesse. They're helping me changing the subject everytime someone asked me the question. Love them!
Joel took me home, we shared a cab cuz I was too drunk (so people said). The company paid for taxis, they don't want any of us to drive after drinking so much. I woke up with bad headache and ended up threw up 3 times! Sucks! and yuck!
I am lost again at 3:06 PM |
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Kilas Balik
Berhubung uda ada internet, gue keinget klo kemarenan pas baru pindahan tu gue nulis juga, cuman ditaro di Word doang. Pa lagi ada poto apartment juga.. sayang aja udah nulis tp ga dipasang di blog *walopun isinya masih sedih sedih gitu lah*
Sunday, Nov 28 2004 8:49pm
So cold.
I woke up this morning, shaking, it was so cold and found out that the heater was turned off! The heater is centralized in the building, I think they time it. I looked out through the window, the street was still wet from last night's rain. And the palm trees were moving, I said to myself, whoa, gotta be windy outside.
Well, since I didn't have any food, I had to go to the store and get me something to cook. As I opened the front gate, I could feel the wind brushing my face. I said, no no.. gotta get me something to cover my neck. So I went back to my apartment and put on a scarf, gloves and a hat. Hey, better be prepared than getting sick again. That's the last thing I wanna be..
My sinus was in pain as soon as I was outside. It's so freakin cold, it hurt!
Anyways, I got everything together. Pretty much. Finally *phew*. My place is clean, cute and warm. I had a phone line activated. Soon I'll have my DSL set up. Can't live without internet. And I called Mom with my last 30 mins calling card. I feel good talking to her and Dad. I assured them that I am fine. Too bad it was cut off. I don't have anymore cards.
Gotta buy me one this week.
Oh, here's the pictures of my new home:
before
messy
after
Saturday, Nov 27 2004 7:33pm
Raining again?
Been raining since 1pm today, and this is the second time in this year that it rained in LA. Usually it only rained once and that's it. Anyways.. I met a very nice old lady in the bus today. She said she saw me at the bus stop, she saw me at Bed Bath and Beyond, then she saw me at Ross, and we're in the same bus again coming back. What a coincidence! She tapped me in the back while we're at Ross. She said I reminded her when she was younger. Doesn't matter that it rains, it would never stop her from going anywhere. Hehe.. I told her that back where I came from, we had rains for 6 straight months, so I'm used to it.
Oh my.. It's not even 8pm but I am so dead tired. Glad the heater is working tonight, so it isn't as cold. Crazy that out of so much stuff I bought for my new place, I didn't buy any food! All I have in my fridge is just water, tea, and chocolate. Well, I have bakso and Indomie, but that's what I've been eating for the past 3 days! No fruit, no vegetables. Man.. I gotta get me something to eat. And.. I need to start cooking again.. Tomorrow morning, amma go and get me some groceries! That's the plan! Hmmm.. California Market or Korean Plaza sound perfect. Aite.. gotta sleep now.. so tired. *yawn*
Friday, Nov 26 2004 8:10pm
Chicken out..
I know I owe an explanation to his auntie. I have to call her eventually. She's been very nice to me all this time. But I am still chicken out.. No, its not like I am scared of her. I am just… still sensitive about it. I hate talking about it. In a way, I prefer to just move on with my life and never look back. I dunno.. I coulda just called and said happy thanksgiving. She'd ask anyways. Well.. we'll see..
Btw, house is clean and 'visit-able'. Whoa.. my back, my legs, my waist are all hurt. Been unpacking for the past 2 days. I know one thing, I hate moving.
Thursday, Nov 25 2004 3:36pm
Home Sweet Home
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Finally I am home. On my own place. It was a mess last night when the mover guy was 4 hours late. I was trying to get out of his apartment before he came home. But the mover guy got hit and had to deal with the police before coming to my place (that's what he told me). I had to wait 4 hours! Anyways.. it was all good.
He was home while I was making the second trip. He looked sad, and we talked quietly about his uncle who happened to call us wanting to know what's going on earlier that day. Later he said:
"Take care of yourself out there. I am going to wear my wedding ring until the divorce is finalized. You're welcome to come back at anytime. In case you can't afford living by yourself, you can always come back here. If within 6 months you want to change your mind, please let me know"
I simply said
"Thank you, you too take care"
There's nothing left to say. Change my mind? That means, I would have to go to church with him. Well, I don't know about that. Only Allah can change my mind.
I cried again as I closed the front gate. Slowly I walked to the bus stop. Luckily it was dark so people didn't notice. It was hard and scary thinking that I am no longer with him. How lonely..
However, the more I think about it.. He's prolly more lonely that I am. I read somewhere that the person left behind is the one that would feel lonelier.
I am lost again at 11:15 AM |
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wooo.. got the dsl connected!
after 3 weeks without internet at home i finally got it connected. yaaaay.. no more 'bengong' at night and/or on weekends.. hehehe..
I am lost again at 7:09 PM |
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Yaaaay, last night i went to sleep without even thinking about him (or crying over him). That was a progress. I want to be able to sleep well from now on. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and look around trying to find him thinking that I am still with him at the old apartment. Now that was pathetic!
I dunno, maybe I am just a proud woman. I've never been so much in love with a man like I am with him. I am so lost without him but trying so hard to look cool in front of everybody. Or maybe thats just my way to move on. To get over it.
Anyways, I am planning to go home to Indo in February. End of February to be exact. After talking to Alyson about my wanting to go home this month, she was supportive and rational, saying that it would be best to go next year since the tix would be cheaper. Besides, I'd have more vacation days by Feb. So, we'll see..
Everyone (like mbak Evi, Mom and Lupi) back at home was like, is it for good? You aint coming back to LA? hahaha.. I wish! But I surely CANNOT. First, I already signed my apartment lease for one year. So I am stuck here for at least a year. But the more I think about it.. I think I want to stay in the US a lil longer.. maybe 5-10 years.
My 2005 resolution is, save up my money, work hard, show these people at work that I am good enough to take over Alyson's job, and get a raise soon. My main priority is to take Mom to perform Hajj next year (or 2007 if we can't do it in 2006). Then save up my money to buy a house and a car in Indonesia when I decide to go home for good. And find me a nice job so I can live comfortably in Jakarta. What a plan, huh?! I'd say it'd take me 5-10 years. If it could be done faster, that would be awesome.
All I know is that, GOD will be on my side. HE will help to go through all of this mess, and HE will help me to achieve my plan. Amiiin..
I am lost again at 9:03 AM |
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ilmu ikhlas
Akhirnya gue nonton film 'Kiamat Sudah Dekat' setelah setaun lebih tu DVD nongkrong di CD rack gue. Belinya si pas di Indo taun lalu itu. Dulu perasaan nyoba nyetel, tapi playernya ga bisa. Nah ini kok diplayer Sony bisa. Filmnya lucu, romantis, kocak en menyentuh. Yg paling bagus pesannya ya itu, ilmu ikhlas.
Gue kayak disentil ama Allah abis nonton film itu. Kaya'nya gue emang belon punya itu ilmu Ikhlas. Abis masi suka sedih dan mempertanyakan kenapa Allah kasi jalan begini or begitu. Klo udah menguasai ilmu itu kan harusnya pasrah aja. Percaya aja klo Allah ga akan kasi jalan ga bener ke gue. Tapi kan susye.. bukannya meragukan Allah, hanya kadang kan karena gue punya otak, jadi maunya segala sesuatu tu dianalisa. What did I do wrong? Why do I have to deal with this and that? etc etc..
Udah sholat tahajud baru tenang, tapi nanti kapan lagi, kepikiran lagi. Kaya ga percaya (or ga terima??), kenapa gue musti ngalamin kegagalan lagi. Tapi gue selalu buru2 apus perasaan kaya gini, soalnya ga baik juga. Gue juga capek sedih mulu. Capek nangis mulu. Paling susah tu ya sebelon tidur. Pasti keinget yang dulu dulu how happy I was with him. Tapi kan ga bisa gue gini terus terusan.. Gue sekarang hanya coba untuk ngadepin hari hari gue. Sampe gue bisa ga sedih lagi.
Apa iya gue musti balik ke Indo biar bisa lupain? Bah, itu si namanya melarikan diri. Trias yang sekarang ga akan run away from her problems anymore. I just have to face it no matter what. Again, waktu kan ga berjalan mundur, or diem di tempat. Jadi ada saatnya nanti gue bisa tenang en ga bete lagi. Udah bisa nerima keadaan bahwa Allah kasi jalan begini tu buat kebaikan gue. Whoo.. kapan ya itu?
I am lost again at 1:10 PM |
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3 days I haven't been writing on here. It's just that.. I myself am tired of talking about the same thing. I would sound pathetic, and I dont like that. Well, here's the recap of the last 3 days:
Saturday Dec 4th
I went to his place and we went to We the People to sign the paperwork. Didn't talk as much, we just kinda say as litle thing as possible to eachother. I thought that was better. I tried so hard to hold my tears. He also seemed tired and looked sad, or upset? I dunno.. but on our way back, he almost hit someone in the street and almost ran off the red light.
Sunday Dec 5th
Mas Bagus merit hari ini! Sms ke gue bilang klo nervous! hehehe.. Seneng baca sms dari Lupi klo udah sah, en mas Bagus sangat lancar ngucap ijabnya. Alhamdulillah.
LA ujan seharian hari Minggu kemaren itu, glad Kartini and Isti came over. We cooked, ate, cooked again, ate again, haha.. we're all just pigging out! They stayed until 6:30ish. Abis itu bersihin apartment, trus nerusin nonton All In sampe ketiduran.
Monday Dec 6th
Busy, the whole day at work. Then I went to the eye doctor after work. Thought I was too tired to go see 'The Aviator', but at the last mins, I had a feeling the movie was worth to watch. So I called up Joel, telling to wait so I can ride with him. And I was right, the movie was GREAT! Leonardo diCaprio is an awesome actor that I actually forgot it was Leo, I almost believed he's the real Howard Hughes. For a 2hrs-50mins long movie, it's not boring at all.
I am lost again at 1:40 PM |
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Besok, gue musti ketemu dia en kita sama sama ke we the people, buat tanda tangan surat. Bolak balik gue tanya ama diri sendiri.. do I do the right thing? Or am I just being too prideful? Nanti malem mo sholat tahajud ah, biar dikasi kekuatan..
Rasanya kok deg2an ga keruan mo ketemu dia lagi.. gue takut sedih. Takut ngga bisa nahan nangis..
I am lost again at 3:20 PM |
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Tadi malem nonton free screening 'Blade Trinity' bareng Joel, Francis, dkk., gue sempetin ngirim email-nya ke 'dia'. Gue pikir, itu kan film fave-nya dia. I knew he wouldn't have come, but tetep aja gue celingukan nyariin. Sebel..
Filmnya bagus! Very entertaining, full of action, funny, and bloody too. Si Jessica Biel keren euy! Tapi kurus sekali ya? Anyways, pulang dr nonton, rasanya capeeekkk banget.. sholat trus langsung teler deh.
Pagi tadi bangun telat, buru2 mandi, en nyiapin lunch. Beberapa hari belakangan gue selalu makan di luar, lama lama ga kuku juga, boros! Simple aja sih menu hari ini, nasi ama chicken nugget, hihi, ngirit abis. Besok mo masak yang beneran, di kulkas ada daging ama terong, jadi mo nyambel terong ajah.. yumm yumm..
Ya sutra, hari ini gue sibuk banget di kantor, which is good. Kinda get me distracted from thinking about my problem.
I am lost again at 2:12 PM |
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Udah seminggu lebih ini LA lagi dingin banget, busyet deh. Tadi malem tidur pake sweater 2 lapis, selimut plus heater dinyalain. Tetep aja pagi pagi bangun tu kedinginan.. ampun. Oh, tadi pagi ke apartment lama buat ngambil mail. Gue kok masih sedih aja ya ngeliat apartment lama. Always wondering what he's doing. Whether he's doing fine. I sure hope he takes care of himself. I miss him..
I am lost again at 5:31 PM |
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