it's ready..
He emailed me this morning, saying that the lady from We the People had the paperwork ready. All we have to do is come in and sign the paper, and within 6 months, we'll be legally divorced.
I feel... sad..
I am lost again at 11:36 AM |
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Whoaa.. back to work!
I actually missed my desk and my job! I was so ready and excited to go back to work and go on with my daily life without feeling miserable. After 2 days of packing and 2 days of unpacking, all I want to do it to do my emails, work on my approvals, and deal with silly people on the phone. Amazing. And man.. 4 days without internet sucked!
First thing I did this morning was to order my DSL connection. Hopefully by Dec 6th, I'll get my internet connected. Yaay.. can't wait!
Today is a start for my single-again life. It sucks, but I'll deal with it. I am not a weak person. My heart was broken alright, but I am not going to let myself suffer too long. Goodbye convenience-driving-to-work, goodbye wake-up-late, goodbye getting-a-morning-warm-hug, goodbye my marriage life.
I am lost again at 8:44 AM |
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moving day
won't be online til Monday at work. I'll have the phone line ready, but the internet wont be ordered til next week.. oh well..
I am lost again at 4:40 PM |
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BEFORE: my new apartment
moving out tomorrow.. yes, I'll post the 'AFTER' look :) tomorrow
Pegel euy, tadi packing, trus bolak balik rumah ke apt nyicil bawa ini itu. Trus bersihin apartment, nyapu, ngepel, bersihin kamar mandi.. kan berdebu banget.. trus nyatet nyatet musti beli apa aja.. I need shower curtain, keset perlu 3: buat kamar mandi, dapur ama pintu depan. Trus perlu beli sapu en pel. Duuh.. banyak.
I am lost again at 9:04 PM |
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I signed the lease for apartment today. I feel relieved.. I still feel the sadness, but I have to get over it. Eventually I have to move on. Dunno how long it's gonna take me, but I will have to move on. And getting the key to my apartment is a start.
Afterwards, I walked around Western area to look for bed and mattress. I've been looking on craiglist, but naahh.. when I think about it, I don't wanna get no 'used' mattress. Kinda gross me out. I wouldn't know what kinda germ be on it. Eww..
Anyways, I got me a new mattress set. Pretty cheap, I am proud of myself for bargaining it to get to the price I can afford :). It'll be delivered tomorrow, so I gotta be at my new apartment at 2-3pm. I'm taking 2 days off, and then there'll be Thanksgiving's weekend. It'll be a very long weekend for me, hopefully by Sunday, everything will be in place.
I am lost again at 6:32 PM |
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Today I bought moving boxes, tapes, bubble wrap, etc etc for my packing my stuff. I am moving out on Wednesday. I thought I was able to go on and pack, but I guess I am still too sick to do it.. or too painful? I dunno..
He was very nice taking me to the store to get all those boxes, even helped me carrying it back to the apartment. Muka kita berdua uda kaya orang berduka. Sedih.
I am lost again at 6:23 PM |
kaya makan buah simalakama, dicuekin, sedih.. dibaekin, sedih juga..
Tadi malem, his auntie yg di Illinois nelpon, nanyain masalahnya gimana -from my point of view-. Si Tante nyoba untuk fair dengerin dr dia en dr gue juga.. which is sweet. But again, I hate to do the 'telling whats happening'. I'm still very upset and sensitive about it. Jadi ya.. nangis lagi.
Pas selesai nelpon, gue keluar kamar, dia berdiri di dapur. Ternyata selama nelpon dia disitu ndengerin. Belon sempet gue tanya ngapain bediri disitu, dia uda bilang dulu:
"
Sorry, I waited here just in case she said something that would upset you. I don't want my family blame you on this. Did she say something that upset you?"
Gimana gue ga sedih coba dengernya?
I said no. She just wanted to hear my side of story.
He then continued "
I saw you've really busted with this situation. I am sorry that we ended up like this. I understand if you want to move out. Just let me know anytime you need my help. I'll do the best I can to help. I love you and I want you to be able to take care of yourself out there"
I am lost again at 1:25 PM |
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passed my driving test, yipppeee!! for the first time in 6 weeks I feel happy. :) Alhamdulillah.. 'He' helped me a lot. Took me to the DMV, taught me to do this and that, assured me that I would get my license, and waited for an hour inside.
Thank you baby.
I know he wants me to be able to take care of myself when I'm no longer with him. I will, and I hope he will too.
I am lost again at 10:13 AM |
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ling-lung
Perasaan gue kok hari ini kaya orang linglung deh.. ga bisa mikir. Bingung. Tadi malem ga bisa tidur mikirin apartment. Kemarenan belon dapet rasanya exhausted, sekarang uda dapet tempat, masih bingung juga..
C'mon Trias, wake up! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, OK?! I think I need to smack myself in the head. I feel like I still wouldn't want to believe that I am going to be leaving soon. In a way, I feel relieved now that I finally got my own place, but I am still unhappy.
I had to tell Alyson this morning since I put her name on my apartment application for employment reference. She was shocked. Well, everyone is. Including myself. I hate the 'telling what's happening" part because I am still very sensitive and emotional. Lagi lagi nangis.. sebel. Gue ga suka nangis didepan orang. Showing my weakness.
Then she was really nice offering me to go home early if I need sometime off. I told her thanks, but no. I got to have something to do in order to keep me going. Atleast when I work, I get to forget about it for a lil bit. I want to be busy so I won't have time to be confused. But it's super nice of her offering me that. I will definitely need it, but not now. Not when I got to think about what I should do next.
Oya, gue juga sakit lagi :(. Pilek, batuk, ama sakit tenggorokan gue. Gara2nya ya seminggu kemaren ini kan tiap hari pulang kantor, jalan kesana sini, ngeliat apartment en ngurusin paperwork. Padahal lagi angin dingin akhir2 ini. Biar pake jaket tebel, tetep aja ga ngaruh. Tenggorokan gue emang sensitip dari dulu.. Ugh, kenapa sih ga bisa sehat. Lagi banyak masalah gini kan pengennya sehat. Biar bisa mikir jernih.
Mana besok gue driving test lagi.. moga2 ga bersin bersin dijalan. Moga2 lulus.. Moga2 lulus.. moga2 lulus.. amiiiin..
I am lost again at 7:42 PM |
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Gue tadi ke 'We the People' for processing the divorce paper.
P-a-i-n-f-u-l.
Lagi lagi kaya orang bingung pulang dari sana. Ampe duduk lama di bus-stop. Mikir lagi.. oh my, this is really happening. Gue banyak banyak istighfar, biar dikasi tenang. Turun dari bis, jalan kaki sampe pegel nyari alamat ke apartment itu. Ternyata gue kecepetan turun dari bis, jadi jalan kaki ampe jauh gituh.
Alhamdulillah gue suka apartment ini! phew, after a few days wandering around LA,
i finally found myself a decent place. It'll cost me a lot, but I hope I can manage my money. I think I can afford it
if I am careful. And I will.
Beberapa hari ini kaya orang bingung.. nyari sana sini, lompat dari satu bis ke bis yang laen buat ngeliat apartment. Alhamdulillah tadi ngeliat studio apartment ini langsung suka banget. I just knew that was "it". Gue dah kasi application fee. Besok harus nelpon ke Laura (current landlady) ngasi tau klo gue moving out. Trus ngasi tau Alyson (supervisor) juga, biar klo si new landlord nelpon, bisa ngasi rekomendasi.
Insya Allah, everything will go smoothly. *Amiiiinn..*
I am lost again at 8:46 PM |
I thought I'd be cool living with Eka, but after 2 days looking for apartments with her, I realize I cannot stand her. She's a nice person, but good God, she's so hard to deal with. Especially with my current condition.. I can't depend on her at all. Irresponsible and annoys the heck out of me. Keep throwing silly comments, she's also a very unsafe driver. Amazing that she could survive til today. Seriously.. she needs someone who can teach her to be responsible. Not me, atleast not now.. I am still so lost myself.
I know, these past few days, I become very emotional and sensitive. I need time for myself. I have to tell her that I prefer to live by myself. At this time, I don't have as much energy and time to take care of other than myself.
I am lost again at 11:52 AM |
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I'm tired.. both emotionally and physically..
Didn't know that it would be this exhausting.. and I am so lost! Don't know what to do, can't figure out where to start..
God, please help.
I am lost again at 10:04 PM |
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"when do I have to give you the money for the paperwork?"
that one sentence was enough to break me down.. i thought i was okay..
...guess not.
I am lost again at 9:42 AM |
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Selamat Idul Fitri 1425H
Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin.. Mohon Maaf Lahir Batin. Pagi tadi ke konsulat buat sholat Ied. Harusnya gue dapet tempat paling depan, tapi akhirnya disuruh mundur karena tempat gue mau buat Ibu Konjen. Rese ga sih? But.. guess when you have power you tend to get the best place -without having to come early like everybody else-. Anyways, I forgave her already. After all today is the day for forgiveness. :)
I told myself I wouldn't cry, but sadness and loneliness creeps me out. Amazing how I can feel so lonely when I have hundreds of people around me laughing and talking. I love my friends, I enjoy being around them. But today, my heart was left at home. I kept wondering what he was doing. Whether he had something to eat for breakfast. Or lunch. I so wanted to call just to check up on him, but I knew it would only hurt me more. I can't even talk to him without feeling sad..
God, I love him so much..
I would love to spend some time with him just like we usually do.. There are so many movies I want to go see with him. I want to go to the beach, watching him rollerblading. I want to sit on the sand and just talk to him. So many things I want to do together cuz he's so much more fun to be around with.
But I can't.. ok, gotta stop before I cry again.. I am so tired..
I am lost again at 4:45 PM |
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I never thought that looking for a new place would be hard. Well, it was. I went with Eka, since she needs a place too, which is cool, I get to save money because I can share an apartment with her. We looked around K-town, La Brea, Melrose, Miracle Mile, even West LA. It went from a very bad shape place to a very nice one. The price range is OBNOXIOUS, LA is a very expensive city to live. A single/studio apartment can cost me $700 to $1200!
It was really tiring, especially when we're fasting. We took turn driving. Glad I can drive cuz Eka got a headache and it got scary to see her driving.
Out of 12 or so places that we went, only 1, yes, ONE place that we both liked. But.. it doesnt come with refridgerator :( too bad.. we can't afford buying a fridge. And I was very picky when it comes to finding apartments. I want it to be neat, clean, and in a safe area.
Overall.. it was an experience.
Tomorrow, we have a few more to look.
I am lost again at 8:22 PM |
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pernah sholat taubat ga?
klo belon.. I recommend you do it when you feel the need of HIS forgiveness. Karena besok hari terakhir Ramadhan (hiks hiks), gue tadi sholat taraweh terakhir di Konsulat. Trus Imamnya bilang diantara sholat taraweh ada sholat taubat dan sholat tasbih. Sholat taubat itu untuk bertobat, minta ampun atas kesalahan2 kita. Sholat tasbih tu buat memohon keinginan kepada Allah SWA yang insya Allah dipenuhi. Kalau bisa, setiap muslim diharapkan sholat tasbih paling engga sekali seumur hidup.
Nah, pas sholat taubat itu.. masya Allah, I didn't expect it would be that powerful. I never experienced such a powerful feeling I can't even describe. You just have to feel it. I feel like HIS hands are touching me. Telling me that I am going to be fine. That HE will take care of everything for me.
Alhamdulillah.. I pray for HIM giving me the right direction. And I believe HE will take care of me and him.. I believe we both will be fine..
After 3 weeks of confusion, feeling scared, destroyed, crying and not knowing what to do, now I can smile.. :)
I am lost again at 10:43 PM |
do i really do the right thing here?
he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.. it's so painful to just sit next to him knowing that soon i won't be with him anymore.. i love him so much i can't even look at him when we talk.. i was so tempted to hug him and kiss him, but i can't. because i know, once i lay my head on his warm shoulder i would start crying and would beg him to stay..
he is so sweet, so nice, so wonderful that i almost feel guilty leaving him.. i really am sorry baby.. but i can't feel guilty about this. i know, i believe i do the right thing.
as painful as it is, i feel so much better after making this decision. i feel relieved..
i am not going to say "i shouldn't have married you" no.. because what we had was magical. there is nothing i would regret. everything was great. everything.. but this one.
i hope he can take care of himself.. won't forget to eat.. stay healthy..
it sucks that it has to end like this.. but there's no other way. we do this for our GOD. HE put us together, so if it has to come to an end.. i know HE will take care of us.
I am lost again at 7:41 AM |
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new journey has begun
It was yesterday, on our 3rd anniversary, that we decided that we can't stay in this marriage. I have no other choice. I never had made such a big decision in my life, but I had to. I cannot give up what I believe. It is something very personal that no human being can cross. It's a vertical relationship between me and Allah.
I would love for him to stay, to love me more, to keep taking care of me, or just be there for me. But the price for it is.. too much. Allah is not something I can compromise. HE is the one who control my life.
Not every story has a happy ending, I said in my
last post. But ya know what? Things happen for a reason.
Only GOD knows the best for me..
It will not be easy for me to be alone again.. but I believe I'll be fine with HIM on my side. Let this blog be my place to vent.
I am lost again at 9:54 AM |
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